Unknown Dangers

Aloha world, no I haven’t died, or been savaged by wild sheep in the nether regions of the Emerald Isle. I've just been busy…you know, getting lost exploring, ending up walking along the motorway, traversing two rivers, scaling two 10 ft fences, a railway, oh…and another fence. Yes my arrival in Ireland was pretty momentous.  So much so that it subsequently resulted in me losing my phone, and my house keys on the first day, summoning the help of a 60 year old woman to help me search for them, not finding the keys and attempting to persuade my previously unmet housemates to allow me to sleep on the couch for the night. Then of course there was that time that…, but I wouldn't want to bore you.

In other news I have come to the conclusion that my hair can actually be called long…well by gentlemanly standards anyway.  How I managed to come to such a conclusion I will set out in the following essay.

Hair: An Unknown Danger

Shedding

By far the most benign and certainly least frustrating of all the ‘Unknown Dangers’ is shedding, also known as finding hair in unwanted places. The most notable incidence or shedding occurs upon waking. Often an individual will awake in the morning wondering, as did the three bears, “Who’s been sleeping in my bed?” maybe Goldilocks has paid a visit. Unfortunately no such luck. I’m afraid the fact is, now that your hair has grown longer than two inches you shed like an Alsatian.

Another presentation of shedding is within consumables. On a daily basis, long haired individuals will manage to ingest a sizable portion of their tresses with whatever they are eating. It must be noted however that some individuals (who cannot be named for legal purposes) consider hair a condiment, that adds variety to a dish, and whilst I am uncertain of the nutritional value of keratin or any literature on recommended daily allowances, my present experience has found it most unpalatable.

Environmental

The environmental concerns are equally concerning. The first relates to knots. Yes, knots can occur in hair apparently and yes, they hurt. So one is required to brush their hair regularly to avoid such painful occurrences. Regrettably knots are also a product of the weather. Wind, whilst mystically causing a swirl of autumnal colour, does nothing for your luscious and well prepared locks. One swift blow could see your beautifully set curls, turn into a labyrinth of tangled fibres.  On the bright side, birds might lay their eggs there in the spring. One of the few solutions to this problem is the humble hat. Though hat wearers should be aware that use of a hat can lead to the environmental dilemma, flat hair. As such, once set in place, a hat should not be removed until one is safely in the confines of their own home.

Further quandary exists in the form of hair washing. Firstly there is the vast selection of shampoos and conditioners, or maybe 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner. Not to mention do I want my hair looking sleek and shiny, or with vitality and body, and what does that even mean?! Personally I select the cheapest one that doesn't say Tesco value. Then there is the rigmarole of deciding when to wash long hair, since it’s probably going to take 2 hours to dry. Whatever you decide you can be sure that the weather is certain to make you wish you had chosen otherwise.

Health Concerns

The third category represents a growing unmet medical need for people with long hair. Unbeknownst to our shorter hair counterparts there exist numerous potential health risks of having long locks. Some are obvious, such as the inevitable choking hazard posed by ingesting stray hairs, and as such will not be discussed further. However it should be noted that hair is a blunt weapon, and suitable precautions must be taken to avoid hair temporarily blinding an individual whilst showering. Likewise car doors also pose a potential health risk. Although attempting to drive with you hair shut in the door is not a criminal offense it can lead to accidents. Finally there is the sudden surprise that may awake you from sleeping, when your hair falls on your face and you mistake it for an 8-legged creature. Research has shown that the initial shock may or mat not cause a heart attack.

In conclusion many of the dangers inherent in growing hair long can be solved by simply tying hair back, but in order to prevent you looking like Fat Tony from the Italian Mafia, this should also be avoided if at all possible.

Acknowledgements:

Stories validated and confirmed by Nevada Hale who had long hair when she was 7 and maybe 24.

Joey Akubeze for his depth of knowledge surrounding Italian culture.

Kaitlyn Pieper for her culinary expertise.